Non-Negotiable

This is an example of a letter I mailed to the originator of this bulk mail advertisement I received in the mail. The only response I got back from the Landmark Chevrolet dealer in Houston was another bulk mail advertisement of the same thing. Now, how can these companies expect us to respond to their bulk mail if they don't even take the time to give legitimate attention to first class mailings from potential clients?

16 February 1994

General Manager

Landmark Chevrolet Corporation

9111 North Freeway

Houston, TX 77037

Dear Dubious General Manager (It looks like Din or Jin or something other. I can't read the copy of the signature and there is no designation elsewhere in the bulk mail correspondence to identify who you are.):

Thank-you for the form letter and "Non-negotiable", "Bonus Voucher" which is "Valid Through Saturday" that you sent me. It is wonderfully amusing. However, I would like to know if you assume me to be an addlepated Abderite.

There are several other queries that venture an answer. First of all, the $2,000 "Bonus Voucher" is NON-NEGOTIABLE, useless, big deal, so why bother to send it? How can the voucher be a "bonus" if your proclaimed value of it is already a big goose egg? Last I knew zero is still zero. How does it become $2,000; is this part of the "new math"? Next, it's valid through Saturday; what year, 5481 B.C.? Of course there was no need to put a deadline on it's validity, it's worthless, non-negotiable. Furthermore, was it necessary to print on the voucher "non-applicable with any other advertised specials or any previous negotiation"? Hey...correct me if I'm wrong, it's non-negotiable! Also, please inform me as to why you would limit this offer to only "ONE VOUCHER PER FAMILY", why not 3,217.6 of these little babies, they're "non-negotiable? Another demur I have is in regard to the statement on the bottom of the "voucher", "Do not detach this section, Coupon is invalid if detached." Yooo-hooo, anybody home there? They're already non-valid, "non-negotiable"!!!!

Wait a minute, wait...a...minute! Work with me here. What we have, both in a mathematical sense and grammatical venue, is a double-negative: a non-negotiable with a do not detach "invalid". Therefore, logically on both accounts, a positive has occurred. So, as you can see, I have returned the top portion of the voucher, which has been endorsed on the back side. Anxiously, I anticipate the forwarding of $2,000, cash, valid (past Saturday) at any bank.

Respectfully,

Robert E. Bear